Songs I Want Them to Play at My Funeral
“There comes a time in every man’s life in which he must start to think about his own death” - August Gladstone. Wow. Powerful stuff. Some may say that a 19-year-old man just coming into the prime of his life shouldn’t be concerned with death, but rather with living life to its fullest. However I (and several other smart people including Gandhi and astronauts) disagree, and we think you can never be too prepared. So I have begun preparing.
Death is a stressful and daunting thought- preparing for death slightly less so, but still tough. I want to help make the pre-death process as easy as possible for you by providing my own plans that you can hopefully draw some inspiration from. My other guides have been published in the appropriate magazines: “How to Prepare Your Will and Who to Give Your Hotwheels Collection To” (Forbes), “Best Candy for Your Coffin” (Candy Eaters Monthly) and “5-Step Prep for Getting Killed by an Army of Samurai” (Outdoor Life). Shameless self-promotion aside, let’s get back to the matter at hand.
Your funeral will be one of the most exciting parts of your post-life. It’s that magical party where you just want everything to be right. The snacks, the guests, the eulogist, etc. all have to be perfect or else everyone will think that you sucked, and will continue to suck in Hell. On the bright side if it goes well, you might get your first frickin kiss! Obviously a lot of pressure either way. There are too many moving parts for me to write about now, I’d get a headache if I tried. That’s why I’ll be going over only one small but important aspect of the party right now: the music! Here are the songs I want played at my funeral, and why:
Deadz by Migos (feat. 2 Chainz)
Alright soooo this song goes hard as fuck. Not only does it have “dead” in the title, it also has serious bass and features some wicked bars by 2 Chainz, who is a personal idol of mine. I think that if they played this song at my funeral, and people from my high school were there, they would realize that I was kind of a badass because I chose this song.
Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin
This one is pretty self explanatory. It’s about a stairway to heaven which is probably what I will walk on after I die until I trip and fall and fart my way down into the 9th ring of Hell as all the saints and angels laugh at my shame. Lucifer will actually be really cool and understanding about the whole thing though, we’ll take a walk around the pits of acid and spiders together. There’s like an 80% chance we end up banging. You win some you lose some.
New Slaves by Kanye West
I want to make my upper-middle class Hamptons Jew family really uncomfortable.
Sunday in the Park with George by Mandy Patinkin
I want to make my upper-middle class Hamptons Jew family really comfortable.
Poor Moon by Canned Heat
The main reason behind choosing this song is that people will have something to remember me by. The notable line, “I wonder when they’re going to destroy your face” will certainly ring true to everyone who knew me in life, as I used to destroy many faces while on bath salts. It was just one of those odd little quirks that made me… me! Don’t despair though, I’ll be back to my old face-destroying ways soon enough when I get reanimated as a voodoo zombie.
Old Town Road by Lil Nas X
This song is mostly fan service. I already know there are going to be hundreds of tweens at my funeral so I want to give them something to do Fortnite dances to.
Another Song About Ghosts by Joy Again
Is that a g-g-g-g-GHOST?? Hahaha no Scooby Doo, it isn’t. But it IS a soulful pop ballad employing themes of memory, family, the passage of time, pain, death and dreams. The artist, Joy Again, infuses his signature indie pop/alt rock style into a deep but lighthearted tale of his experience with the ghosts of people who he has loved and lost. This song has a seamless stylistic fit into the rest of Joy Again’s 2014 album, “Joy Again”. This album deals with serious subjects of sadness, relationships and regrets, all while artfully infusing the artist’s haunting vocals and soft instrumentals into an indie-pop wonderland of emotion. I would highly recommend this versatile album no matter your emotional state, as it can be both uplifting and solemn. I give it a strong 7/10, as despite the strength of the songs, it is very short and somewhat repetitive. Fuck you.
I DON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE by Tyler the Creator
I actually saw Tyler the Creator live in concert. Pretty awesome, huh? Anyway, I chose this song because I won’t love anyone anymore after I’m dead because, well, I’ll be dead and I will feel nothing but eternal emptiness as I drift through the cosmic void of souls from whence we came.
TIE ALERT TIE ALERT: August by Flipturn/ GEEKIN by Mia Gladstone
It was a very tough decision to try and decide between these songs for my top 10 list, so I fudged the rules a little bit and put them both into one. If you look at the title of this entry and remove the “TIE ALERT TIE ALERT:” and the “by Flipturn/” and the “GEEKIN by Mia” parts, you’re only left with “August Gladstone” which, for those of you who don’t know, is my name. I just really like seeing it on the website because it boosts my ego and makes me feel really special and famous. Well I mean I already am famous, but this is for something other than porn.
Frolic by Luciano Michelini
Also known as the “Curb your Enthusiasm” theme song. What’s a bigger curb moment than my untimely death?
Anyway, that’s my list. I hope it helps you come up with some ideas for your own funeral soundtrack, or at the very least serves it’s secondary function as a laxative because of all the subliminal messages I put in it. Remember, don’t be scared or freak out about death or anything. It’ll happen to everybody and it’s kind of exciting to think that the greatest secret of human existence will finally be revealed to you. Also no one's ever come back from it, so there’s gotta be some pretty sweet stuff in the afterlife, right? Probably like a pool or something at least. You’ll be fine.