A Comprehensive List of the Beatles
Nowadays, you can’t go anywhere without running into someone who knows about the Beatles. Until recently, you could impress all but the most sadistic music nerds merely by name-dropping the group. But now that everyone has a smartphone in their pocket and an attitude in their personality, it’s much harder to know all the ins and outs of who the Beatles are, and I don’t blame you if you find yourself falling behind on your band knowledge. Luckily, I’ve compiled a comprehensive list of all of our British amigos that you can feel free to refer to whenever someone asks, “Do you know any Beatles?” I’m also going to go ahead and rate each member out of five, so that you can add yet another level of depth to your music talk. While these opinions are entirely my own, you can rest assured that they are also entirely correct. Pay heed to this ranking so that you can be the one controlling the conversation, and before you know it, you will be surrounded by eager supplicants, frothing at the mouth as they claw at your feet for but a shred of your intense and boundless Beatles knowledge—I promise. Now, like an iguana at feeding time, let’s get into some Beatles.
John Lennon
Rating: 5/5
Not to be confused with professional husband John Legend, John Lennon is a Beatle, and a damn good one, too. He was “the face” of the organization, and also did a great job of doing music stuff. Top-tier Beatle.
George Harrison
Rating: 5/5
George Harrison is another standout Beatle: a guitar player rivaled only by Jesus and the Devil, he brought a serious X factor to the group. Known for hits such as “While My Guitar Gently Weeps,” and for being hairy, George left a lasting impression that he was, in fact, a Beatle.
P.S. George Harrison is also renowned for his Octomom fanfiction.
Paul McCartney
Rating: 5/5
Another core Beatle, Paul McCartney is a true superstar. Some people knock him for using a Chaos Amulet to gain his musical abilities, but I say, listen: if you’re able to go through the effort of unlocking the Seven Gates of Kadan and defeating the armies of the Crypt Lord on top of that, I think you’re entitled to use your hard-won Chaos Amulet for whatever you want.
Ringo Starr
Rating: 4/5
Ringo was the drummer for the Beatles and remains a notorious weirdo, often described as a “creep,” “wanker” or “brigand.” Despite all this, he still managed to be an essential member of the band, so...that’s a testament to him, I guess? My advice to Ringo is that he could easily shake off these negative connotations, and at the same time, become the bad boy of the group, if he just changed his name to Ringo Scarr.
Mock-up of what Ringo Scarr could look like. Pretty wicked, right?
Fenton
Rating: 4/5
Known as the funny/chubby Beatle, Fenton never fails to make his fans and bandmates smile. Whether it be a comically loud fart, a crazy accent or just some words of encouragement, Fenton always brings something positive to the table. Even though he was never able to crack the top four, he’s still a standout Beatle.
Dinah
Rating: 4/5
Dinah frickin’ rules. She didn’t say a whole lot, but what she did say, she said through rhythm. She filled in on the drums whenever Ringo accidentally locked himself inside his car and couldn’t make it to shows (which was surprisingly often). The thing is, she’s an objectively better drummer than Ringo, and it infuriates me that she was relegated to backup. However, she was always a good sport about it, so props to Dinah.
Salivar
Rating: 3/5
John’s uncle. Salivar kinda just hung around and did his thing. He brought a pretty good energy to the group. Fair warning: don’t get him started on Israel.
David
Rating: 2/5
Far and away the most ticklish Beatle; but since that’s all he has going for him, I can’t, in good conscience, rate him above a two.
“Cluckerz” Ramirez
Rating: 2/5
This cock-a-doodle douchebag did little more than serve as a mascot for the band, and he did so with a bad attitude. He had about a year of semi-successful mascotship before completely descending into the depths of his gambling addiction, ending up in prison soon after.
Yoko O-Yeah
Rating: 2/5
Partially responsible for breaking up the Beatles, but entirely responsible for breaking up several walls in Abbey Road Studios. She does have her own artistic merits, and she’s damn refreshing after playing outside for a while, but was still a problem for the Beatles.
Scratches the Clown
Rating: 1/5
I get very bad vibes from this Beatle.
There you have it: a comprehensive guide to every Beatle. It is my great pleasure to provide you with this resource: Lord knows I’ve embarrassed myself countless times when discussing the Beatles, so I hope that I can save you from some of that all-consuming shame. I’ll have to live with that darkness for the rest of my days, but I would be behaving ignobly if I did not do all in my power to stop others from sharing my fate. If you have a favorite Beatle, you should tell me about it—I would love to have a grown-up conversation about America’s favorite band that doesn’t end in someone wetting their pants, then tripping and falling into their own puddle of mess when they try to run away, their coworkers laughing and scorning them the whole time and eventually calling them “Professor Pissy Pants.” Especially because nicknames like that tend to stick, and it really fucking sucks when even the interns that you hire start to call you “Triple P” to your face. And you would love nothing more than to bring the issue up to your boss, except he’s also your brother-in-law and you just know that if he got wind of it he would tell your wife, who would surely leave you for her handsome orthopedist, Lance. She says he’s nothing more than a doctor, but you can tell she has a thing for him because of how many times she’s searched up some variation of “naughty orthopedist” on your shared computer. She doesn’t even bother to clear the search history anymore! God, she thinks you’re pathetic. But how could she not, after what happened in Cancun? Couples therapy wouldn’t do anything at this point—it’s beyond repair. You can’t leave her, though—it would cost you everything—and she won’t leave you because she’s just watching the clock tick down until you’re gone and she can collect the inordinately large life insurance policy she took out on you. With an amount that large, you wouldn’t be surprised if she has some kind of plot to finish you off herself, which honestly, you wouldn’t even mind, since it would at least be a release from the monotonous hellscape that is your dismal wreck of a life.